One Month.

I thought I had it all figured out; silly me.  All of the planning & preparing – I thought I was ahead of the game – and yet here I am – rocking you slowly in my arms while fighting back tears. No one prepares you for this part.

[Tears of guilt; tears of jealousy; tears of bitter disappointment in myself; tears of exhaustion; tears of worry that everything I’m doing is wrong – all of these tears come pouring out]

Some days I’m terrified you’ll grow to hate me – Some days I sit & stare at you for hours just breathing you in. Some days I wonder if you even know who I am – Some days I wonder if I even know who I am. Some days I want to scream and run away as far as I can – Some days I snuggle close to you while I trace patterns onto your skin. Some days I feel on top of the world – Some days I break down & cry myself to sleep.

Everyday I try to piece myself together while silently falling apart & then I look at you – this perfect tiny human – & wonder what I possibly could’ve done to deserve something so absolutely wonderful.

& suddenly everything makes sense.

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Faded Memories.

I felt you
[ f a d i n g ]
& like an emerald leaf on the cusp of autumn; slowly at first,

then all at once.

I stood there frozen, watching you casually drift away–like a branch flowing downstream; I was inevitably powerless to stop.
Feverishly I try to hold onto the last few  p i e c e s left of us that you don’t seem to want anymore.

While I struggle to remember what being wrapped inside you felt like; your chocolate eyes melting into mine, you consistently dismiss me.

& I was left –ruined– by the one person who I thought was never supposed to give up on me; masked by the hope you’d one day come back for me.

© Gina Jenkins