I thought I had it all figured out; silly me. All of the planning & preparing – I thought I was ahead of the game – and yet here I am – rocking you slowly in my arms while fighting back tears. No one prepares you for this part.
[Tears of guilt; tears of jealousy; tears of bitter disappointment in myself; tears of exhaustion; tears of worry that everything I’m doing is wrong – all of these tears come pouring out]
Some days I’m terrified you’ll grow to hate me – Some days I sit & stare at you for hours just breathing you in. Some days I wonder if you even know who I am – Some days I wonder if I even know who I am. Some days I want to scream and run away as far as I can – Some days I snuggle close to you while I trace patterns onto your skin. Some days I feel on top of the world – Some days I break down & cry myself to sleep.
Everyday I try to piece myself together while silently falling apart & then I look at you – this perfect tiny human – & wonder what I possibly could’ve done to deserve something so absolutely wonderful.
& suddenly everything makes sense.