Someday – but not today.

Someday you’ll roll your eyes when I ask you to take out the garbage.

Someday you’ll tell me I’m lame as you watch me rock out to songs the radio.

Someday you won’t listen when I beg you to call me when you get where you’re going.

Someday you’ll be embarrassed because I kissed you in front of your oh-so-cool friends.

Someday you won’t even look back when I drop you off at school.

Someday you won’t want to show me what pictures you drew.

Someday you’ll tell me I’m creepy and take too many pictures of you.

Someday you’ll slam your bedroom door and scream you hate me because I won’t let you stay out until 2 AM with your friends – and then sneak out once I fall asleep.

Someday you’ll get annoyed at how long I hug you for and how many times I tell you I love you.

Someday you’ll meet the girl of your dreams and make her your wife.

Someday I’ll watch you drive away from me as you start your own family.

Someday you won’t need me anymore and you don’t know this but I’m terrified of that day.

Luckily today’s not that day, and neither is tomorrow…

So today I’ll snuggle you as hard as I can for as long as you’ll let me,

And today I’ll read you as many bedtime stories as it takes,

And today I’ll stare into your big blue eyes while rubbing your butt until you fall asleep – and then I’ll watch your chest slowly rise and fall to its own rhythm,

And today I’ll listen and melt over every coo, every smile, and every giggle,

And today I’ll breathe you in with every last breath I have,

And today I’ll kiss every one of your tiny little toes, chubby little fingers and chunky little cheeks,

And today – and forever – I’ll look upon you in amazement at the idea that we created you from pieces of us. 

©Gina Jenkins

So it begins..

April 4, 2017 – 6:00 pm – I arrived at the hospital, a very cranky husband in tow, to be “induced”* – a procedure for which I THOUGHT I knew entailed. I was wrong. Very, very wrong. And I was about to pay the price for not knowing. I should add that my doctors did a very good job of informing me how the procedure would be conducted – but all of it meant fuck all to me – all I know was that it meant they were scheduling my son to be born on April 5. So, swooning, I made my way to my hospital room and disrobed so that my obstetrician could administer a medication called Cervidil to speed up the process of dilating my cervix.  Sounds easy enough, right? Yeah, I thought so too. Boy, was I in for quite the rude awakening.

By 10:00 pm, it started to feel like my back was breaking into a thousand tiny pieces – a feeling I had initially attributed to the fact that I have a microscopic hole on the right side of my lower back – but, low and behold, I was once again very, very wrong.  I begged and pleaded, to no avail of course, with the barbaric nurses of the night shift, to put me out of my misery – or, at the very least grant me the courtesy of some pain medication.  But alas, my tears of woe fell on deaf ears.

12:00 am – Someone (conveniently) forgot to tell me that I was going to be an extra in a brand new slasher film I had never heard of called “Contractions: Slowly slicing your guts apart for the next god-only-knows hours! Featuring a machete!” Mind you, not only do my insides feel like they’re being ripped apart from the inside, but I STILL don’t have any pain meds. -_-

7:00 am – Finally another of my obstetricians arrive to check the progress my cervix has made.   Or should I say, lack thereof? After 12 hours of this nonsense my doctor informs me that my cervix has decided it does not want to cooperate – big surprise!  Needless to say, my cervix had not dilated – AT ALL.  ‘Ok, so what now?’ you may be asking yourself, as was I. But remember, curiosity killed that poor kitty cat. At this point, I was pretty jealous of the cat.  And my husband was jealous of the deaf man in room 317 – because to him, I sounded like a cat being dipped in battery acid and skinned alive.**  While my doctor very calmly explained to me what the next steps were in this process, my body (and brain) went into full on panic mode. (Though panic and I had grown to be best friends over the last 30 years or so – I was in no way anticipating a visit anytime soon) A few seconds into her very lengthy explanation (which was basically a rerun of step 1 for another 12 hours – say WHAT now?!) my brain forgot how to breathe, my body seized, and my vision blurred in and out of focus.  I must have scared the pants off of my poor doctor with my vulgar display of anxiety because she backed away very carefully and suggested we consider the possibility of a caesarean section.

8:30 am – Ok now, I will preface this by saying that I know tons of moms who have given birth 100% naturally (and some without drugs!) and they’re all super badass – like legit warriors complete with battle scars.  I’m not one of them.  I’m more of the “Gimme the drugs and nobody gets hurt!” kind of mom  (as well as the  “hand over the bottle and no body gets hurt!” kind of mom – notice a pattern?) But really, props to all the badass bitches that pushed a human out of their lady business – you’re the real heroes!  As for me, I’m sure you could guess that I did not, in fact, push out my little nugget.  Rather, in a matter of 45 minutes, a surgical team of competent doctors (and one kickass anesthesiologist) gracefully guided (more like yanked) my beautiful little boy out of my abdomen.  And just like that, at exactly 9:22 am, Dylan Jameson was born! Sure, my entire body from the boobs down was numb as fuck and I could smell the flesh burning from my incision – but my little nugget was born safe and sound – and I was feeling high on life (plus whatever drug cocktail they ended up finally giving me) – so high in fact that I made a Jesus joke to my Jewish anesthesiologist (luckily he found it – or me – funny and chuckled).***

So, to recap, childbirth is a son of a bitch and not a single thing anyone can say will prepare you for what it feels like to be ripped open – but the end result is pretty fucking awesome.

*For those who don’t know, the process of being induced includes having your obstetrician shove their hand so far up your lady business that it feels like you’re being violently fisted by a group of German porn stars who refuse to use lube in order to insert this medication and soften the cervix, preparing it for the process of pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lime.

**Disclaimer: No actual cats were harmed in the writing of this blog.  Except mine, who fell off the table just a moment ago when I sneezed just a tad too loud.

***If you really want to know what the joke was, you can message me privately – though I’m all for stirring the shit pot, I’d prefer not to offend someone – YET.

One Month.

I thought I had it all figured out; silly me.  All of the planning & preparing – I thought I was ahead of the game – and yet here I am – rocking you slowly in my arms while fighting back tears. No one prepares you for this part.

[Tears of guilt; tears of jealousy; tears of bitter disappointment in myself; tears of exhaustion; tears of worry that everything I’m doing is wrong – all of these tears come pouring out]

Some days I’m terrified you’ll grow to hate me – Some days I sit & stare at you for hours just breathing you in. Some days I wonder if you even know who I am – Some days I wonder if I even know who I am. Some days I want to scream and run away as far as I can – Some days I snuggle close to you while I trace patterns onto your skin. Some days I feel on top of the world – Some days I break down & cry myself to sleep.

Everyday I try to piece myself together while silently falling apart & then I look at you – this perfect tiny human – & wonder what I possibly could’ve done to deserve something so absolutely wonderful.

& suddenly everything makes sense.

Sage & Citrus.

Her hair; honey covered curls with a burst of orange whenever the sunlight would catch stubborn strands cascading her face.

Her jade eyes held secrets she refused to speak aloud.

…Sage & Citrus…

I was simultaneously terrified & possessed by her.

She spoke of poetry while we sipped coffee – black as midnight.

We talked for hours that melted into days on end while our cups left circles on the old birch wood table nestled under the window.

Sunrise after sunset ; rose gold streaks lighting up the sky while she spoke of dreams now exhausted & deceased – tears pooling in the shallow corners of her eyes still mourning a life she left behind.

Mourning.

I used to swim for miles inside your eyes, && now I drown in their shallow waves.

I used to melt for days wrapped inside you, && now I shiver when you walk into the room.

I used to fall asleep to the gentle hum of your voice, && now I cringe as I beg for silence.

I’m not sure what’s worse – mourning the loss of someone still alive – or wishing you really were dead.

 

Nine Months.

9 months – that’s how long it took before I was able to finally look into your eyes.  Eyes filled with wondrous curiosity of a future unknown.

273 days – that’s how long it took for 2 tiny ears and 1 tiny nose to grow.

6,384 hours – that’s how long it took for a thousand tiny cells to form 10 little fingers and 10 little toes on 1 perfect little boy.

383,040 minutes – that’s how long it took for you to take your first breath – the one that took mine away.

I waited my whole life to meet you and all it took was 1 hundred billionth of a second for me to fall head over heels in love.

3 a.m.

It’s 3 a.m. & here I am..  Wondering how I ended up here – once again.    I didn’t intend for this to happen – at least not this time – I drove countless miles & still wound up outside your door. I know I shouldn’t be here, but I still wonder, or blindly hope that you can feel me near.

I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing, while I remembered how it felt when you reminded me how to breathe. I remembered how staring into your eyes both paralyzed me & set me free all at once.  I remembered how, in the end, I wasn’t important enough for you to bother fighting for.   And as I sat there watching your life unfold from 500 feet away, for what was probably the hundredth time, I remembered how none of this matters at all to you anymore, and maybe it never did. 

©Gina Jenkins

Reflection 

Some nights you stare blindly into the mirror…terrified of what’s staring back at you. 

What’s worse…?

Wondering if this is truly the life you wanted? Or questioning it in the first place? 

Tullamore Dew

I sank back & slowly let the thick, heavy steam roll over my balmy skin as I swallowed another barbed memory — I closed my eyes.  Shards of glass flooded my throat as I tried once again to drown you for good.  Warm, peppered honey – liquid gold.    Flashbacks invade, instigating a silent war behind my eyelids.                 Dark rooms & locked doors & secrets whispered against once innocent ears while backed against the wall; burning flesh; rose red lipstick stained collars; torn stockings.

Down the hatch! — another gulp of burning forgetfulness as I let my shoulders fall prey to the warmth surrounding me.   My eyes open to ghost-like vapors cascading across clouded water as a flash of his devilish smile – painted in lies so old even he could no longer remember – caused me to jump & chase my breath.

Traces of you still plague my mind, but I’m out of whiskey.

Through The Looking Glass

I watch with forgotten eyes as my hand etches fingerprints into the glass, leaving behind only faint traces of my existence to what lies inside. Cloaked in invisible flesh I stand peering into the looking glass, knowing this is as close as I’ll ever get. Dangerously close & yet far enough to be abandoned.  

To be outsider, forever looking in, just beyond reach – powerless to change –

that is the real tragedy

©Gina Jenkins